Never A Dull Moment.

Yesterday as I was leaving the office my landlord calls me.

Him: "Hey man, what are you doing?"
Me: "Leaving the office to run some errands, what's up?"
Him: "When will you be home?"
Me: "I'm not sure. What's up?"
Him: "The old roommate that moved out left somethings there and needs to come by the house to them up. Will you be home soon to open the door for him?"
Me: "No, I'm not sure when I'll be home. I have some errands I need to run. Sorry."
Him: "No problem. He can stop by when I'm home later tonight."
Me: "Ok, later."

So I get in my car and run my errands. They didn't last as long as I expected (read: I'm not my landlords bitch and he can deal with the old roommates who can't pay rent and thus get kicked out of the house) and I was home 5 minutes before the landlord. When he finds out that I made it home before him he becomes upset with the fact that I didn't know that it wouldn't take me very long to get home and that I inconvenienced him at work by not coming home to do his bitch work. I was not in the mood to be questioned as to why I was home so quickly nor did I feel it was job to explain to him why I was home earlier than I originally projected. Our discussion escalated to the irritated state and it resulted in neither of us talking with each other for the remainder of the time we were at the house (which was all of 15 minutes).

I left the house to go volunteer at the local fire station during a Toys-For-Tots toy drive with a group of friends. 10 minutes after arriving at the fire station I check my phone like any normal human who relies on being connected 24/7 to the grid. Much to my surprise (read: not surprised at all) I had an email from my landlord. It follows:

From: crazyfuckinglandlord@gmail.com
To: me@gmail.com
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 2010 18:38:24 -0600
Subject: Thanks !

Hey, I am not planning on renewing next month with you. You can make
your arrangements accordingly. If you have any questions, we can talk.

--
Thanks,
crazyfuckinglandlord

My blood pressure jumped. But I kept it cool for the next 2 hour while I helped out at the fire station. I didn't tell anyone I was with what had just happened nor did I write anything back to him. I just kept my mind focused on tasks at hand and tried to not think about how I wanted to take my stupid fucking landlords head and chop it off with the awesome fire axes that hung on the station walls. Mind you, he already told every roommate that at the end of January everyone is out so that his sisters and their children who live in India have a place to stay when they come for a 2 month visit starting at the beginning of March. Now I'm being prematurely kicked out because I hadn't accurately identified when I would be back at the house. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

So...before I head over to my girls house, I need to stop by the house and grab clothes for today. I also needed to kill my landlord. Actually I needed to talk some sense into this dumb foreigner because he's a total fucking weirdo that fails at communicating. And I don't. Well, I don't as much as he does. Any way...15 minutes later I was back in my car driving to get some sex when I glance at my phone (again, because if you're not connected 24/7 god knows what might happen.) and I have another email from my crazy fucking land lord who needs to die. It follows:

From: crazyfuckinglandlord@gmail.com
To: me@gmail.com
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 2010 21:53:39 -0600
Subject: Sorry

I am so sorry, you are a great soul. My pleasure that I had an
opportunity to spend some time with you in my life. Your nature is adorable.
--
Thanks,
crazyfuckinglandlord

WHAT THE FUCK? Did I just have gay sex? I can't make this shit up...

Ok, I'm going home to find out what's to be made of my future here in the Great White South...or at least what's left of it.